Well its come to a point I must face reality and stop running from the fact in so many ways I’m LIKE MY MOM . Sounds crazy huh who wouldn’t want to be like their mother someone you looked up to and loved more than life itself a woman who gave you life and held your hand on your journey through child hood while sheltering you from the bad and protecting you from all evil . needless to say that’s not how my journey played out looking back on my life I can remember a few good memories but there so much bad memories its hard to find the good . I’m not sure where to start so much I always wanted to say so many questions I’ve always had just couldn’t understand where it all went wrong I guess they say raising your children starts in your home a place it seemed like my mom never was But in so many ways I find myself being LIKE MY MOM every time I look up I’m doing something just LIKE MY MOM smh drives me crazy at times only because I tried so hard not to be LIKE MY MOM Ill jump into this I grew up watching my mom in a very disturbing domestic relationship I can remember being waken up out my sleep hearing cries for help having to get up and run next door to the neighbor’s house to get help and waiting on the police to show up once again because cookie “the boyfriend ” was drunk again and beating on my mom that went on for years it seemed like until out of the blue he just went away needless to say we felt safe for the time being .we began doing more things like going skating once a week she would dress us all in the same colors and hit roller dome south boy I loved them Barbie skates couldn’t tell me nothing it was the beginning of my skating days we got older and she started being at the shop even more yeah my mom was also a cosmetologist and had her own salon right there on Pontiac St. next to a fish joint that use to be so bomb lol but it the seem like the older we got the more she was gone we use to have some weird baby sitters and strange people always watching us but them secrets are stories in them selves ill get to later if it wasn’t the shop she was at the club boy you couldn’t tell her nothing she was in all these fashion shows I can remember “fashion strut” lol and some guy name “jeff” boy couldn’t tell her nothing at all the smallest thing bouncing around with ten inch nails on and was liable to have green red blue or pink hair at any given time or day called her self “SAPPHIRE” lol I always thought that was funny id be like “girl yo fire done sat and blew out” hhehehehe but yeah as I said we got older and moved around a bit it wasn’t until this one boyfriend of hers I felt some type of strange vibe about my mom I wasn’t home the night it happened she took his side on an incident that would blow your mind if I was to tell it all I know is it changed my way of thinking at that point time went on and it was around 1995 I started dancing created a group and boy that was the start of my dancing days only thing that was missing was my mom at every show yelling and screaming like she would do for my brother when he touched the stage time went on and I still did my thang I was in the 6th grade making $400 a week braiding hair making dance outfits and anything else I could to get money just to go shop and have the latest I never did understand how my mom was at work 24/7 and stayed fly but let me ask her for something yea alright by the time I was 14 I was doing whatever I wanted had a boyfriend house full of friends whenever I wanted left the house whenever I wanted never had to worry about much hell my mom wasn’t home and we lived in one of the livest spots right next to burger dairy by Macmillan park shit really didn’t get to ugly until I she went in room one day and read my diaries and boy the plot thickened lol I would always write down everything I did lmbo boy I can remember woooooo the problem was instead of coming to me she took them work and let all her customers read them as well that began a war between us at that point a war that’s gone on still till this day now that’s just a slight intro to how deep things were but here goes nothing …………..
As a kid I grew up angry feeling out of place at first I felt different always wondering why I didn’t have the same face or the same skin complication as my sister or my brother realizing as time went on it was just me I look just like my mother I always felt like the outcast like I never got enough attention question after question always ran through my mind where were you all those years its nothing like waisted time I can remember when I was five I got hit by a semi truck yeah sounds crazy huh just my luck but how did it happened how did you not get struck you were holding my hand as they started yelling here comes a truck but suddenly your were missed and I was drug 3 blocks down the street I can recall looking down as I seen your feet but you were standing there crying as mary was holding me why didn’t you hold me close and grab me not knowing if it was my time you didn’t know but I feel like you loved me a little bit but could let me go it was times I tried to tell you things and you would say no not now maybe later you always had hair to do or get ready for a show you didn’t even realized I was being molested by the baby sitter because you were in such a hurry and always had to go it took so many years to get over it and just let it go I knew you would never listen so I kept it bottled up inside along with the rest of the secrets I always had to hide until one day I had to get that shit off my chest battle after battle I had to fight with you as I got older trying to figure out what it was with you and why shit was so out-of-order it seemed like you wanted to be my friend and not my mother the whole time I’m looking for guidance love and closure so I could mend the past and move forward but I can remember like it was yesterday my life took a turn for the worse all hell broke loose it seemed like an evil curse you took my business to the streets and as my mother I can never understand why you didn’t just talk to me from that point on the monster was created the streets did me bad all from someone who was supposed to love and protect me I was then FORT WAYNES MOST HATED I was the talk around town I felt like everywhere I went they were pointing and laughing at me like I was a clown everything about me was destroyed and I didn’t even see it coming didn’t even give me the chance to decide if I really wanted to be with a woman you told the world before I even knew and the battle I had to fight after that man you have no clue the hate in my heart was at it’s all time high and still to this day I just want to know why why did you do it why didn’t you talk to me I was your daughter your last child your baby I never finished high school I couldn’t even tell you what prom was like hell everyday I almost had to fight I was being called a dike left and right crying myself to sleep every night it drove me insane mentally I felt like a monster inside there was nowhere I could go nowhere I could hide wishing the shit would go away until that day I got fed up this bullying shit had messed my head up I just wanted things to end I sat there and I counted pill after pill taking them again and again I got to 50 and said ok this should be enough I felt the pains in my stomach hour after hour as it started to burn I tried to keep it a secret but I suddenly got scared and told brittany what i did she started yelling for help cause she knew this shit was big manda came running and they put me in the car flying down town I thought that was over for me thinking what have I done my vision had got so blurry and I began to get weak everything seemed numb from my face down to my feet I was in a coma for weeks that could a been the end for me but god told me hold on there was more for me to see even after the fact I made it through that crazy mess there was still a long life scar id always wear on my chest life went on even tho I never returned home after the age of 14 there’s still so many scars and open wombs of a battle I’ve had to fight all my life with unanswered questions and sad memories which leaves me to believe why I always said I don’t want to be LIKE MY MOM and before I go ill say this I do hair LIKE MY MOM I owned my salon LIKE MY MOM I was in a domestic relationship for years LIKE MY MOM I change my hair often LIKE MY MOM I wear glasses LIKE MY MOM I wear rings on every finger LIKE MY MOM my ears are pierced over ten times LIKE MY MOM I know how to sew LIKE MY MOM I like short light skin guys LIKE MY MOM I wear my eyebrows real thin LIKE MY MOM I’m short and slender LIKE MY MOM you get the point yet i grew up without my mom just LIKE MY MOM
I’ve always been about my business when it came to my hustle and getting things done to me if it wasn’t about money I didn’t really too much care that much about it. There wasn’t too much I wasn’t trying to do to make ends meet by all cost whether it was 1234 or 5 kids I got to the money on a daily so if they don’t tell you nothing else I bet they say I ate when it came to the hustle. See when you have kids it’s like no matter what you do you’ve got to survive who wants to be known as someone who wasn’t about taking care of business when it came to her kids lol not me . That is one thing I promised my self was to always stay true to my kids and do things the right way so they can follow it took me a minute to really say forget the street life I had to live solely for my kids and my kids only . I even took risk helped so many others and didn’t even get the love back in return for so many good deeds it seemed like I done it was times when I
took in other families for the holidays made sure they had things as well times I took in family members who needed the help to . I can remember working 2 jobs and going to school to make sure my 3 kids and 2 sisters I had custody of at the time had it all . I was always the first person everybody seemed to call they knew I was gone get things done regardless of the outcome over the years I grew out of the always quick to help stage after seeing no one had my back like I did and I focused more on my grind so I could get my money up in position for what my next moves were . My life always seemed to take many turns for the worse struggling trying to stay above water you would never believe even though I had a strong hustle hand I was bad with money now don’t get me wrong I was big on investing in things to double back my money but I also had a spending issue . It was a stress reliever it felt good just to buy something so just think the more I bought the better I felt I would go to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night and shop for hours but there was a catch to that as well I would shop for sale or clearance items the cheaper it was the more stuff I could buy even if it was $1 I’d just buy them all . Now the only way I got away with this was by starting a non-for profit youth program I’d give it all away every year at Christmas to families in need for the holiday . But don’t get me wrong there was a downside to that having to explain to my boyfriend that I wasn’t cheating and was actually at Wal-Mart for hours and also having to argue about buying so much he would often call me a hoarder which made me feel a little crazy . But no matter the case it never stopped my hustle if it was something I wanted and didn’t have it all at the time trust me I put in work and got it no matter how long it took I didn’t have to worry about someone saying what they did because I always made sure I had it . its seems like I have an endless grind to me my imagination runs wild with ideas at all times I’m sure if I run into the right person to back me and have as much faith in me as I do ill be a millionaire over night but I understand patients and also the laws of attraction I’ve changed my ways of thinking over the last few months to make sure I come out on top because there’s no way a person with this much drive and ambition can’t make it to where I’m trying to go my ultimate goal is financial stability for me and my boys so that were comfortable nice and full because right now I’m starving it seems like I have an empty plate I make being a single mother of five boys look easy now just imagine whats coming soon this grind won’t stop until I’ve reached the top and like I said before “we’re up next”
It’s that time a year again back to school they go some of us mothers are jumping up and down with excitement about the joy it brings to see our children to reach new levels in life while giving ourself a pat on the back knowing we made it all happen by ourselves. Busting our butt with over time and a heavy grind the past 4 weeks to get every supply book bag shoes and gear they need. But there’s some jumping up and down with excitement of being kid free the next eight hours with no job and nothing to do but lay up sit on social media while using her ebt card to cook some random guy a meal for coming by to smoke a sack and leave her with a wet ass after she stood in every line the past 3 weeks for free school supplies and free haircuts while calling shabooboo for the free braids for her daughter for the low . There’s two types of mothers which one are you? I know I’m the type to get the
job done no matter what I’m going through . My kids are my everything the only reason I still breathe without them there’s no me and everything I do is for my team . I’m raising five men and that alone scares me to death praying everyday I make no mistakes I have to show them better that’s all that’s running through my mind making sure every step counts without wasting time. I try to keep them busy so busy they wouldn’t have a chance to do wrong hoping and praying the devil doesn’t come along trying to destroy my home I don’t have it in my plans to hear one of them sad church songs . Everyday I gotta stay focused no matter what the case may be I’m going to go above and beyond to protect my family . Sad to say I’m all they’ve got one wrong move can change our life and ruin everything that I’ve always taught . I’ve instilled in my boys that they are leaders they are the best my plan is for them to never have to look at the white man and say yes no matter how long it takes us the ultimate goal is success . So it’s starts at home teach your kids well failure is not an option in my home and dope isn’t the only hustle I know I’ve got along way with my boys but trust me when I say “we’re up next” it’s been along road lots of tears with a gang of stress but god told me to be patient don’t worry say less just know when it’s time don’t forget to flex.
It’s never a dull moment around my house on a sunday wakeup bumping that good old H-Town or Adina Howard as I’m cleaning the house doing laundry and getting ready for the famous Sunday dinner . Yes I know I don’t look like your typical mom but I live for every moment being a mother means the world to me I always wanted a big family and trust me I got just that . Learned a lot on my own but never in a million years did I think I’d be a single mother of five wooooo scary huh . It’s not as easy as I make it look trust me these kids can be off the hook “mom he hit me” “mom I’m hungry” “mom mom mom mom mom” gets overwhelming at times but one thing I do is keep a schedule it works out great keeping them on a routine is so much easier. From sun up to sun down its helps keep me a Lil more organized without loosing my sanity all at once . I usually call Sunday the fun day because I give them options to run around outside or play games most of the day as I have my mommy moment around the house . We usually wine down bout 7pm have dinner which leads to baths and bed by 9pm and you know what that means I get more mommy time!!. Time for me to relax get my thoughts together for the week I’m always so busy with the boys I don’t often get time for me.
I was raised without a father I mean I knew who he was and I seen him around but he was never there in my life to know what he was missing or why I always had a frown . I always wondered what having a father was like or how it would feel for him to teach me how to ride a bike. I’d often seen my siblings leave on the weekends and I’d sometimes ask if I could go standing there praying their dad wouldn’t say no. He took me in like I was his own but I was often reminded by my sister that he wasn’t my dad and I should go back home . I grew up searching and scrambling for the love of a man it was just to hard to believe to hard to understand why my father never loved me what did I do wrong I always kept my mouth shut even about the things that happened when I was alone . Yea I know some things are better left unsaid but then again you’ll never imagine the thoughts that constantly run through my head . Born the same day wow you would think that it would be embraced but every year he never showed up and the tears always rolled down my face . After awhile I became num to the fact that I’ll never know what true love from a father was really like I’d often get angry and so mad I just want to fight . I’ve grown into the stage of letting things go giving the situation to god because this is one thing I’ll never know but the fear of repeat is what I’m afraid of my boys growing up without that tough love . I try hard to mend things the best way I can I know it’s somethings I just can’t do and one is teach them how to be a man . Fear of repeat is one thing I’m so afraid of my boys growing up with out a father to show them real love.
Something I know that was asked frequently No one ever really knew who I was just of me and that’s what made it so much harder. Often people judge you off what they hear not actual facts. I was often misunderstood by so many hearing stories I didn’t even know about myself and would be surprised . I’m actually a very outgoing warm-hearted always ready to help loving person. But where I’m from I had to become this monster I wasn’t . I grew up with nothing but heartache and what seems like I wish were all bad dreams. But what i have is countless stories of battles i had to fight to get to where i am now. People often say “child you got a testimony” . But in my mind it’s still hard to believe that i actually survived so many battles even though it was many times i was ready to throw in the towel i trusted in him to get me to the next step. I lost a lot of people on my way but i guess they say everyone is like seasons some i just can’t understand and took me awhile to let go but i must say some was nothing but in my way of being great I know this step I’ve taken was for the better and I can see the success from a mile away but I got some stories to tell and a few things to say some may relate some may disagree but I want the world to know who I really am and why God chose me.