Just wasn’t time yet

That moment you find out your pregnant it’s either the happiest time in your life, the scariest moment or the saddest moment. Well for me id say since I already had five what else could scare me at this point id say it was one of the happiest times in my life in the past  year. after all I’ve been through why not let some joy into my life and right away I just knew this was it IT’S A GIRL!!!!!! but seems like god had other plans. Even tho it seemed so right at the time to me it really wasn’t the right time after all with so much going on with my daily living how in the world could I manage this.

I’d already began to be tired body was killing me and even started to look a little full appetite was picking up my left breast had swollen face had started breaking out like crazy I felt like the ugliest woman walking lol. But I started having nightmares scary dreams and could never sleep through the night I was so uncomfortable already was kinda weird to be honest. So after doing my calculations and cross checking last menstrual cycle I was just a few days shy away from 5 weeks.

So knowing me I had to google Chinese Birth Chart and guess what is said? yep GIRL!!!!. So at this point it was how do I hide this long enough before I spill the beans lol I was to excited a few days go by I start having more thoughts and desires of how this would all be the best part of my life yet my family will finally be complete.

and here we go July 21st 2017, around 5:40pm id just taken a shower and was getting dressed and started to feel these crazy pains in my back that was in my stomach as well every few minutes. I kinda blew it off and finished up and as I sat down I felt a drops of blood coming down at this point it was the scariest moment in my life.

I called him asap like bae you gotta come home and even tho he worked 30 minutes from the house seems like he was there in ten minutes. we headed to the hospital got everything checked and yep there it was I was having a miscarriage my heart fell in to my stomach wishing to hear things were going to be ok. I’m just unsure how id gotten so attached so fast maybe just the mother in me I guess.

But boy the next few days were like id been run over by a bus several times back pains were killing me something id never felt before I had no appetite upset stomach and just extremely tired for about a week. even tho all pregnancy symptoms went away pretty fast it’s still that lingering question why? I’ve tried to come up with every reason in the book but still sits on my mind every once in a while.

My life is so close to being complete I have the man of my dreams my kids are amazing kids goals are on track and things are falling in to place everyday so where’s lil D’Estin?. So yep baby fever but I still have so much more to do so many goals to finish so as I take these next steps ill keep my faith and know that in due time she will be here to end the final chapter of our family soon.

Dear Grandma Josie

Well its been awhile and so much has changed but one thing I can’t seem to get out of my head is the last image of you before the casket closed. I just don’t understand never in a million years did I think you would go so soon.

3rd grade grand parents day
3rd grade grand parents day!! She had just had surgery on her eyes but was there without a doubt!!!!!



My oldest nasty and my baby brother my life lines.
My oldest nauty and my baby           brother my life lines.

You were the strongest person I’d ever met in my life with the heart of lion I’d give anything to just talk to you right now just to call and tell you your nauty is a teenager now,  boy I know your face would  light up like the sun. Man oh man I could go on forever about you but


I’m still a little speechless and I know I shouldn’t  question his work but this one here Ill never understand.

Me Bo and Marus
Me Bo and Marus


When I got the call about you being sick I brushed it off because I just knew you would pull through like you always did . You were unstoppable would a have a surgery today and be playing ball tomorrow we didn’t always see eye to eye but I know you meant well through it all man do I miss you old woman so many memories playing back in my mind I can hear you now yelling “HOT DAMN” or “COME EAT ITS SUPPER TIME”.

You would make us scrub your feet or squeeze these nasty black heads on your back I use to be so mad like mom I don’t wanna go to grandma house lol. I remember you would always sing this song to joi and I’d be so mad like why don’t I have a song? so you would sing it to me and change her name “GIVE ME DEE SO I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT”. Lol just had a lot on my mind decided to write you a letter we miss you down here but I know you  my grandma and uncle David up there having a ball. I wonder how many times aunt Margaret done kicked your butt in checkers man oh man until we meet again I love you grandma Josie.



Love Dee