Just wasn’t time yet

That moment you find out your pregnant it’s either the happiest time in your life, the scariest moment or the saddest moment. Well for me id say since I already had five what else could scare me at this point id say it was one of the happiest times in my life in the past  year. after all I’ve been through why not let some joy into my life and right away I just knew this was it IT’S A GIRL!!!!!! but seems like god had other plans. Even tho it seemed so right at the time to me it really wasn’t the right time after all with so much going on with my daily living how in the world could I manage this.

I’d already began to be tired body was killing me and even started to look a little full appetite was picking up my left breast had swollen face had started breaking out like crazy I felt like the ugliest woman walking lol. But I started having nightmares scary dreams and could never sleep through the night I was so uncomfortable already was kinda weird to be honest. So after doing my calculations and cross checking last menstrual cycle I was just a few days shy away from 5 weeks.

So knowing me I had to google Chinese Birth Chart and guess what is said? yep GIRL!!!!. So at this point it was how do I hide this long enough before I spill the beans lol I was to excited a few days go by I start having more thoughts and desires of how this would all be the best part of my life yet my family will finally be complete.

and here we go July 21st 2017, around 5:40pm id just taken a shower and was getting dressed and started to feel these crazy pains in my back that was in my stomach as well every few minutes. I kinda blew it off and finished up and as I sat down I felt a drops of blood coming down at this point it was the scariest moment in my life.

I called him asap like bae you gotta come home and even tho he worked 30 minutes from the house seems like he was there in ten minutes. we headed to the hospital got everything checked and yep there it was I was having a miscarriage my heart fell in to my stomach wishing to hear things were going to be ok. I’m just unsure how id gotten so attached so fast maybe just the mother in me I guess.

But boy the next few days were like id been run over by a bus several times back pains were killing me something id never felt before I had no appetite upset stomach and just extremely tired for about a week. even tho all pregnancy symptoms went away pretty fast it’s still that lingering question why? I’ve tried to come up with every reason in the book but still sits on my mind every once in a while.

My life is so close to being complete I have the man of my dreams my kids are amazing kids goals are on track and things are falling in to place everyday so where’s lil D’Estin?. So yep baby fever but I still have so much more to do so many goals to finish so as I take these next steps ill keep my faith and know that in due time she will be here to end the final chapter of our family soon.

Dear Grandma Josie

Well its been awhile and so much has changed but one thing I can’t seem to get out of my head is the last image of you before the casket closed. I just don’t understand never in a million years did I think you would go so soon.

3rd grade grand parents day
3rd grade grand parents day!! She had just had surgery on her eyes but was there without a doubt!!!!!

 

 

My oldest nasty and my baby brother my life lines.
My oldest nauty and my baby           brother my life lines.

You were the strongest person I’d ever met in my life with the heart of lion I’d give anything to just talk to you right now just to call and tell you your nauty is a teenager now,  boy I know your face would  light up like the sun. Man oh man I could go on forever about you but

 

I’m still a little speechless and I know I shouldn’t  question his work but this one here Ill never understand.

Me Bo and Marus
Me Bo and Marus

 

 
When I got the call about you being sick I brushed it off because I just knew you would pull through like you always did . You were unstoppable would a have a surgery today and be playing ball tomorrow we didn’t always see eye to eye but I know you meant well through it all man do I miss you old woman so many memories playing back in my mind I can hear you now yelling “HOT DAMN” or “COME EAT ITS SUPPER TIME”.

You would make us scrub your feet or squeeze these nasty black heads on your back I use to be so mad like mom I don’t wanna go to grandma house lol. I remember you would always sing this song to joi and I’d be so mad like why don’t I have a song? so you would sing it to me and change her name “GIVE ME DEE SO I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT”. Lol just had a lot on my mind decided to write you a letter we miss you down here but I know you  my grandma and uncle David up there having a ball. I wonder how many times aunt Margaret done kicked your butt in checkers man oh man until we meet again I love you grandma Josie.

17156088_1457427324270218_7859999646206980693_n

 

Love Dee

THIS IS ME

I’ve learned to except the fact I will continuously loose people in my life that’s not meant to be over the years I’ve lost plenty of friends and family that I thought was always going to be by my side.  I’ve noticed that some may only appear for that season or be there for a specific reason in my life at that time. I’ve learned to understand it instead of always questioning his ways I recently made a vision board and began reading a lot about the laws of attraction and since then some things on my vision board has already manifested.

Its kinda shocking because I already believe it just makes it more interesting to see how much power I actually have over my life in so many ways my thoughts really become things  kinda scary but in a good way. It also helps me to keep a more positive attitude and mind state because thinking negative thoughts constantly will attract just that. So I constantly remind my self of my vision and try to stay focus it seems the more I do I also attract the people I need to help me get to where I need to be. Its like my thoughts equal creations if these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions good or bad that speeds the creation.

Thoughts are magnetic, and thoughts have frequency. As you think thoughts, they are sent out into the Universe, and they magnetic all attract all like things that are on the same frequency. Everything sent out returns to the source-you.

I recently decided to hang up my Marcels for a Mic finally but some way some how I keep getting pulled back into the hair business some way some how. Its just one thing I can’t put my finger on it I don’t feel like its my destiny but how am I to know that I’ve always been interested in hair I was born and raised into a salon and a family full of beauticians so I knew the craft very well. But I’ve never had a passion for it it’s not something I love doing at all but some way some how it’s still showing up in every season of my life.

Just recently revamped my brand and began to rebuild my online business and local business as well I’m not sure where I’m going with it do I want another salon or just stay steady with where I am. I’ve never been the one to half do anything or not go all out when I vision something it’s usually bigger then normal so I’m not going to underestimate myself I’m sure ill have another salon and partake in the bronner brothers events in the near future. They say the third times a charm I’ve owned two salons and don’t feel like I was very successful the way I wanted to be all tho they say failure is apart of success ill stand tall and welcome my new ventures as they come.

So as of now Perry Stylez presents P.S. I love You, offering hair caIMG_20160719_161355re and fashion needs bringing you from hair to fashion. I’ve focused in on my product line the “Regrowth Candy Collection” this line of products are all hand-made as of now I offer a cream moisturizer with a blend of all natural ingredients such as almond oil, Shea butter, vegetable glycerin and essential oil just to name a few

CANDY CREAM SIMPLY RESTORES HAIRS NATURAL MOISTURE BALANCE, CURES OVER PROCESSED HAIR , MOISTURIZES, CONDITIONS AND STIMULATES HAIR GROWTH!!

APPLY GENEROUSLY
FOR BEST RESULTS APPLY PRODUCT DAILY.
SIMPLY MASSAGE INTO PROBLEM AREAS FOR APPROXIMATELY 60 SECONDS.

THE RESULT OF USING CANDY CREAM IS HEALTHY THICKER LONGER HAIR!!!

I’ve also been adding more products to the line as well that will be available this winter to purchase. Also available on the site I have my mink Indian virgin hair also available in a variety of textures from bundles to lace wigs, closures, frontals and also 360 lace bands as well. So keep an eye out as I rebuild in this season in the meantime still being a mother and working on my music as well “QUITTERS NEVER WIN WINNERS NEVER QUIT”. Something I heard not to long ago and I chant it often to keep me motivated I know my real journey has just begun.

 

D’Estin Perry

The Rockhill Massacre

Hearing about the ongoing violence in my city brings back lots of memories when it hits to close to home. I recently heard about one of the latest shootings back home a triple homicide and as I listened to the many different stories I began to zone out with nothing but thoughts running through my mind of the night we lost MC. It all played it self all over again.

On september 28,2002 was one of the scariest moments of all time I’ve ever encountered I was the last person to hug him and the last person to hold on to his hand as he laid there helpless. But I can say he seemed at peace no struggle no fighting he just laid there I can remember lifting up his shirt to see where he was hit and to not be able to understand the wounds they looked so small all I could say was you good its nothing I just kept saying it over and over in his ear. It was so much going on so many people standing around with so many screams and yells I was confused on to run and check on everyone else or stay there and hold on to him.

I looked over and seen a friend’s sister standing there next to me and she had on scrubs so I was thinking maybe she’s some type of nurse I looked up and I asked her if she could sit right there with him while I checked on everyone in the house so I laid his head down and got up. After checking on everyone in the house I came back out mind you about 10 minutes later there were more screaming so many crying and the police just standing around looking at us all. I started yelling why aren’t you doing anything where’s the ambulance?  I walked back over to him and at that time the girl had sat down and was rubbing his head I looked and I yelled his name grabbed his hand and he was squeezing so tight.

At this point I called my uncle to tell them what was going on it had been about 30 minutes as he lay out there in the street in the downtown area with no ambulance in sight to this day I’m not sure why none of us thought to take him to the hospital our self because by time they got there he was just taking his last few breaths. I never got the understanding of what really happened at the hospital or why they couldn’t save him he held on until he got there so ill never understand it at all.

10678816_10101373543036123_8071797333129030974_nWhat I do know is that we gave him one hell of a celebration the streets was filled with nothing but laughs crying and joy MC was loved by so many it was crazy and until this day everyone still keeps it lit for him. The good times ill never forget the memories the laughs still plays over and over in my mind and the famous words I can hear him yelling when he seen me “WHATS CRACKIN” and don’t let it be a fight all you heard was MC yelling “GET IT CRACKIN” Man oh man the days now these are true 7 figg days for real we were not a gang we were a family that was just very big and I’m glad to see all of my cousins doing well and great  so again RIH MC!!!!!! MY FIGGA MY FIGGA.

 D’Estin Perry

Sending prayers to my city as i know they’re hurting right now from all sides and directions i pray that they all come together soon theres nothing worse then a fatherless child

This story was just to sum up a short memory of that night but will be continued in possible detail in my book that will be soon to come. 

Failure is not an option

The sweetest victory is the one that’s most difficult.4 The one that requires you to reach down deep inside, to fight with everything you’ve got, to be willing to leave everything out there on the battlefield—without knowing, until that do-or-die moment, if your heroic effort will be enough. Society doesn’t reward defeat, and you won’t find many failures documented in history books.

I was once that one yelling “Failure Is Nt An Option”, until I noticed I’ve already failed a few times opening and closing businesses started online stores and companies and not reaching the full potential of success. I was always afraid to fail not wanting anyone to say things I once cared what others would think until I realized who I really was and what I was capable of doing. At that point my life changed I’m no longer afraid to admit I’ve failed but the point is I’m still going.

“The quickest road to success is to possess an attitude toward failure of ‘no fear.’ ”

Now that I’ve reached my full potential and I’m pushing myself beyond measure I feel like any and everything is possible. So I’m fearless to starting over and again and again until I get it right.

The exceptions are those failures that become steppingstones to later success. Such is the case with Thomas Edison, whose most memorable invention was the light bulb, which purportedly took him 1,000 tries before he developed a successful prototype. “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” a reporter asked. “I didn’t fail 1,000 times,” Edison responded. “The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Even though I’m multi talented I’ve finally took on a challenge to focus on one thing more than the others. I feel like if I can be successful in one the rest will follow so ill focus on that one until I’ve mastered that craft.

“One of the biggest secrets to success is operating inside your strength zone but outside of your comfort zone.”

D’Estin Perry

Entrepreneur Mom

Everyone always ask me how do I do it but it’s not about how I do it it’s about what I believe I can do walking by faith and keeping an open mind-set while doing it. No dream is to big and if your dream doesn’t scare you then why are you chasing it? I was told many ofttimes I couldn’t open my own salon alone and yet I did it and twice along with a boutique and beauty supply as well.

Growing up I watched one of my favorite aunts Helen Collins open up her enterprise and from then I always had a vision to have my own enterprise some day. Every time I went to the shop id say aunt Helen when your old can you give this to me? I don’t think she realized how serious I was or how much she influenced and motivated my mind. Over the years I sat and would always draw up plans and things I wanted in my salon.

June 1,2012 id finally found a place which seemed to be reasonable and I was told it was going to be getting renovated soon but I still had some renovating to do my self but I still took on the challenge. it took me so603915_677305835615708_2029777727_nme time to actually complete tho project at the time I hadn’t fully graduated just yet and was in and out of an unhealthy relationship and was not focusing on my goal over the next few months I slowly got things together and had a grand opening April 2013.

I ran into a few short issues but nothing I couldn’t get past and very quickly around the same time I also purchased a beauty supply store I figured I could be running
as well. Things were going great money was ok and I got hit 970381_677305895615702_1031368430_nwith some news I was pregnant june 2013 and also single with 4 other boys as well. Due to my pregnancy complications I would be in and out of the shop over the next few months and in september I decided to enroll in the instructors program which also became a hit and miss with me being pregnant was hard to attend on a regular as well.

Id say around late october id ran into an issue with my salon city code had come
out did an inspection and condemn the building which left me with the only option to relocate after all the time and energy and money id invested I was forced to move. That didn’t stop me I was back up and running in a better location in no time I was back up and running but juts didn’t have the passion for it anymore the lack of support and respect around the community just didn’t drive me to continue running the business. Id began researching more into what it was id been saying I wanted to do which was become a Trichologist.

Trichologists are hair and scalp specialists (one type of skin specialist) who diagnose the causes of hair fall, hair breakage, hair thinning, miniaturization of hairs ; diseases of the scalp and treat according to cause. Trichology is the branch of dermatology that deals with the scientific study of the health of hair and scalp.

So yeah pretty cool huh I figured why waste my time with the salon when I can gain more knowledge in my field and help millions and expand my business and brand in the future. So I’ve since closed my salon moved to Atlanta enrolled in the trichology program started my product line and I’m pursuing an even bigger dream. I’m currently working on my product line “P.S. I LOVE YOU REGROWTH  SYSTEM” and I’m planning to relaunch this coming fall starting with the candy cream and the sugar drops.

CANDY CREAM SIMPLY RESTORES HAIRS NATURAL MOISTURE BALANCE, CURES OVER PROCESSED HAIR , MOISTURIZES, CONDITIONS AND STIMULATES HAIR GROWTH!! APPLY GENEROUSLY
FOR BEST RESULTS APPLY PRODUCT DAILY.
SIMPLY MASSAGE INTO PROBLEM AREAS FOR APPROXIMATELY 60 SECONDS. THE RESULT OF USING CANDY CREAM IS HEALTHY THICKER LONGER HAIR!!! CANDY CREAM IS A COMPLEX MADE OF A BLEND OF INGREDIENTS

I’ve put all my other ventures on hold to focus on this one product research after research night after night coming up with very ingredient to best fit to grow healthy longer thicker hair. Which will help millions one day soon and be one of the leading regrowth systems in the country sold in stores nationwide. My love for hair won’t stop here ill soon open another business to be able to teach classes possibly a beauty school for the less fortunate that’s been in m y thoughts lately but not plan set just yet.

So being an entrepreneur and mother of five isn’t easy at times can get very overwhelming as well and as most know cosmetologist are some of the most unorganized people I know lol I have yet to meet one who is very organized. When it all comes down to it your success  is determined by what you are willing to sacrifice for it and how much you can really learn from your failures. They always say third times a charm so my next move ill bet will and has been my best move yet.

D’Estin Perry

Mommy Melt Down

No one understands that even the strongest people sometimes breakdown even tho I’ve been doing well and trying to stay focused reading up on lots of knowledge that’s needed. I endured some bad news a few days ago I woke up in great spirits and ready for the day and challenges I had coming my way and I myself don’t do well when I feel overwhelmed. I tend to pull away and stay to myself until I’m back to feeling like I’m ready to deal with people again and that’s a very bad habit to have. Sometimes people don’t understand or may think I become distant but in so many ways I just shut down until I feel like I’ve solved the problem.

Being a single mother a lot of times I get over whelmed with daily life getting up at 5:30am every morning to get the kids ready for school to making sure my toddler is content through out the day while doing housework and handling business until the kids return home around 3pm. Which then allows me a little more free time to get things done in the house while the older kids entertain my toddler. We have 4pm homework time and every hour after that is scheduled until 9pm which is their bedtime and even though I have a schedule that helps it still seems like there is just not enough time in the day to do it all my self.

19ec175995cd407166a04ab606e29306I often feel like I’m gonna leave someone behind or not get something done so I over work my self trying to focus on it all not giving myself a chance to breathe. I’ve learned that no one can do it all alone but being that I am without that option I tend to usually over work my self into exhaustion. So being emotional doesn’t help when there’s no time to focus on others problems being who I am I’ve learned to let go of a lot of things and very easy. I look for signs often whether it’s in a person or a situation I feel may go wrong I now tend to go the other way. When you learn that negativity can block so many blessings you’ll have a very easy mindset and be able to tend to lean more towards positive people or situations.

I’ve started reading lots of books lately and watching videos as well as seminars on life which gives me knowledge to grow my surroundings. I’ve also began a vision board to help set my ultimate goals and dreams in place to make sure I stay on track everyday and maintain a positive and healthy mindset. I have also placed my self around more positive wealthy people that encourages me everyday to reach higher standards and often I still seem to fall short with a mental breakdown trying to take it all in.

So like they say even the strongest people need to breakdown every once in a while and the worst part about being strong is that no one ever ask if your ok.

D’Estin Perry

The 8 year bid

I use to often tell myself if I would have never gone out that night my life could have been a lot different in so many ways but today I’m thankful for making it through and being taught so many lessons.

February 22,2005 my life changed in so many ways I wasn’t prepared for me and my friend went out one night to have a few drinks seen a few guys sitting at the bar that asked us if we wanted drinks we were young at the time and guys buying drinks was a plus to us. We had just walked in and said let me go to the bathroom well be right back came back the drinks had been ordered and waiting at that moment that would be the last things I could remember about that after a few sips. I’d had a black out with no recollection of what happened the rest of the night after waking up the next morning me and my friend were trying to figure what had took place.

Being that we were drinkers we would party like crazy one drink wouldn’t have done that needless to say we went on about the next day laughed it off like we must have had a good night and left it at that. At the time I was dealing with a good friend and was getting pretty serious at least I thought kicking it pretty tough creating a slight buzz around the city nothing major. About a month went by and I’d started getting really sick you know how that was about to go off goes the green light here comes baby number 2. I’d already had a 1-year-old son his dad was in prison and pretty much out of the picture so the single mother life had already began for me at the age of 21. So time goes on and everyday I’m trying to figure out how to tell my guy friend that I was pregnant finally broke down and gave him that call and you know how dat goes when you’re not official or have a label.

As I told him his first response “THAT’S NOT MY BABY” at first I got quite like what? then proceeded to talk about the situation so sure that yes it is. Time went on and we left it as I’ll prove it to you. Months went by we didn’t have very much contact I was kinda upset about the fact he didn’t believe what I was telling him so time went on and about 7 months in I get a weird phone call asking me to come over he wanted to talk. I get up shoot by the house and he says hey come in have a seat asked was I hungry and began to ask how I’d been we started talking and he says so do you remember that night I met you at the bar with your home girl?. Boy when I tell you my heart started racing I’m like yeah why he said them drinks wasn’t right but I know thats my baby. when I tell you I broke down like a baby I got up ran out the door and left. I had no choice but to call my friend and let him know as I’m crying he’s like what’s the problem is the baby ok? I break it down to him as I’m apologizing but also in disbelief.

Ladies when I say that next month in a half was one of the most longest 6 weeks ever in my life the feeling of uncertainty is very unbearable I’m not sure how woman do it but me I didn’t think I could live with my self at that point. Here I was possibly pregnant by a complete stranger and not the guy I’d been dealing with for months and that it self was mind-boggling. Here it was october 29,2006 my friend had called and said come by its late I’m in bed crazy me I get up at 2am in the morning to drive all the way from Dupont rd to the south side smh the crazy things I use to do. Only to get there tired and I started feeling stomach pains and had to drive all the way back home after the argument because I was leaving. I get to Clinton st and saint joe as I’m driving my water broke I smashed on home grabbed my bag and drove to Dupont. Wasn’t there long pushed about 4 times and here he comes I’ve got my eyes closed as the doctors handing him to me. I asked Leah as I’m crying what he look like is his eyes blue only for her to say “NOPE” all I could do was say omg!!! the doctor handed him to me I pulled dat lip back and there was the gap.

I think I waited about 2 weeks after I got home to call him and let him know hey I’ve got your son and then it all began. I’ve always been the type if we have kids I want to be with the father I’d rather raise the kids together so I made that choice to jump on that roller coaster and that was one hell of ride I went on. All the cheating fussing fighting having to fight woman in the streets as well as fight a battle within my self to leave the unhealthy relationship.

It took awhile for me to finally reach my braking point I can recall going to the club one night with my friends the old club V and seeing him in there we weren’t talking at the time I’d caught him cheating a week before this. So I see him and he immediately says your leaving with me tonight I’m like oh here you go his favorite thing was to show out in front of his friends as he’s drunk falling over I’m like ok. We leave get to the house kids are sleeping my little sister was still up and all of a sudden he starts yelling typical he’d always do that when he’s drunk he would drink to the point of no return and I see he had it honest his father was an alcoholic so it ran deep in his blood.

Before I knew it I’d waken up but thought I was still dreaming because to my knowledge I was awake the problem was I couldn’t see I’d lost my eye sight. I sat up in the bed and started touching my face I was in so much pain and could feel lumps in my head and the puffiness from my face he’d beat me to the point I was unconscious. I ended up in the hospital and everyone kept asking what happened all I heard everyone saying was dang who did it his reply her friends she was with but knowing I’d left with him was the crazy part. I can remember the doctor coming in asking did I need the police and telling me I’d be ok but he wasn’t sure if I’d ever see again I had to do further testing. I left there with a broken nose and something I can’t remember was damaged inside my eyes and yes I stayed.

It took about 3 months I think maybe less after all the steroids and others things my sight had returned my vision is horrible now and every so often I’d get these headaches in my eyes but the fact that I lived was the most important. Time went on and not too much changed every time I said I was done I’d always end up right back  July 1,2008 yep here comes baby number 3 and I was still hanging in there until about late november 2008. I pull up mid day he’s with his friends had clearly been drinking that was normal for some reason we got to arguing at this point I’m like skip this I’m outta here as I’m walking to my car he comes up picks me up and slams me in the middle of the street like it was a WWE match smh I was 6 1/2 months pregnant my other 2 kids in the car. My body goes into shock I’d had a seizure after hitting my head on the ground I was told by his friends at least.

I was picked up and taken in the house but don’t understand why they left me on the couch for a few hours they said they thought I was sleep I guess that’s the outcome when you have been drinking not being very alert. Needless to say I ended up at park view after waking up id had a stroke and was paralyzed on my right side and I was told by the doctors id never walk again. Yeah shitting me I was thinking but can you imagine being almost 7 months pregnant not able to move within a blink of an eye? yeah that was me. I did therapy about 5 weeks and begged the doctors everyday to let me go home I ended up being sent home in a wheel chair and out-patient care but I wasn’t going to settle for that id been through hell and high water I was too determined to give up id been working hard and started to regain my feeling back and was back on my feet. Left a little damage to my knee but in all I was able to push when my son was born and again I lived.

So time passed by the fighting didn’t stop the drugs didn’t stop nore did the drinking until finally I said I’m done it took that one last time and my son to yell at him daddy stop why you always hitting my mommy. The pain in his eyes seemed like the same pain id had growing up and that was it it was the end of november 16,2010 we were no longer together but he always seemed to find his way to my house went on and on until january 1,2011 here comes baby number 4. that was the icing on the cake and the last time wed ever been that close again!!! I’d met someone else by this time and was trying to move on only to find out he had twins on the way a month before they were born but that’s another story Ill get back to. So I had my boy and a few weeks later I’d finally told him I moved on I’d reached my braking point and that what we had come to an end.

I could go on and on about the after math but to share what I have is more than enough and I’d like to take the time to say Ladies if you’re in a domestic relationship get out and get out now you may believe its love but love doesn’t hurt it’s very unhealthy not only for you but if you have children for them as well I lived you may not!!!

   D’Estin Perry

The Take Off!!!!!!

For quite sometime I’d already been ready to hit the road and move away from my hometown but always had an excuse on why I couldn’t just get up and go. One story or reason after another my kids dad didn’t want me to move or I was pregnant every other year and was scared to just go with just me and my boys alone. It took me years and years to just say ok I’m done had enough I’m to big for this small city.

I started packing up selling as much stuff as possible the summer of 2015 and as I was doing that it started to seem like lots of things had been going wrong for me the more that went wrong the more I was ready to go. Then after they announced the skating rink was closing that pretty much set the tone that was my only outlet to clear my mind around the city it seemed like. I’d gotten rid of just about as much as possible and started packing the house up boxes everywhere trying to minimize as much as I could giving things away as well. I finally gave in and said ok I’m serious I closed my salon that hit me so hard everything I invested I’d just given up on the drive was no longer there anymore with the lack of support just wasn’t in me to keep doing it.

At this point I had closed my salon house was packed and was just waiting for my kids to finish school I kept pushing it back further and further kept saying I was going to leave. Every month it was something different christmas was coming up my favorite holiday I had to get it out the way and I forced the issue staying another month again. Had worked hard 2 jobs a full-time assistant manager at Journeys and 3rd shift gig at Vera Bradley I had to get it spent about $4,000 on christmas did all I could just to see the smiles on their face that morning. See the thing is I make them wait all year for toys and big gifts I give them a party for their birthday and any and everything for christmas.

So we held on until january 16, 2016 I woke up to the smoke alarm going off I jumped up ran down stairs only to not see anything ran to the kitchen nothing was going to go back up stairs but I turned to the left and noticed flashing lights. So I walked over pushed the door and flames bussed into my face it was so much smoke I started to choke at that point I began to yell “DAD DAD get up” three of the boys was down stairs in the front room with two friends. I got them up and started to run up the stairs the two youngest were still sleeping I grabbed my babies and flew back down and out the front door after the fire department finally cleared everything and told us grab what you can I’m going to condemn this house. My heart sank knowing there was no one that was going to have our back my mind began to race where the hell were we going to go and what was I going to do only to walk in and look in the room everything I’d just got them for christmas was now gone.

I then had no choice but to mentally fix my mind and say grab a few things your time is up I grabbed my purse my phone and left at that point all roads led to Atlanta Georgia. Took me a few weeks to get my goodbyes in a few more things sorted out and my mind ready for what I was about to endure for about a month I was up and down the highway at least once a week with all five boys I took $1,000 got everybody a few outfits some shoes and things we would need right away. I had $9,000 left thinking ok ill go get a crib and in no time bounce back but nope wasn’t that easy at all hotel after hotel we stayed in for months it began to get frustrating dragging my boys around and basically living out of our vehicle. Until I looked up and my account said $4,200 I’d spent $5,000 in hotels and hundreds on food and gas I knew I had to slow it down and  I tried to play it smart but me being me I kept pushing hoping and praying I would find a house soon. Looked up again a few weeks later only for my account to say $2,800 I started to panic I was spending with nothing coming in crazy I was in a place so far away so many times I said just go home and find help.

Needless to say I stayed my pride was to big to ask for help I didn’t want anyone to know what was really going on I just knew id get right soon. I finally broke down and called back home I’d found a house and gotten approved with only one issue I was short $800 so I called only to have the doors slammed in my face a good reason I didn’t want to ask. This is when I had to bite down and give all I had to god at this point I had $1,600 left not knowing when I’d make more money by this time it was april 3rd,2016 I had no child support coming in hadn’t gotten any food stamps since last november just no help at all. At this point I said ok let me budget what I did is something no mother should ever have to endure I took a few bucks got snacks filled up the truck to make sure they had things to get by went to Walmart bought a few blankets and pillows and filled up the tank and was left with $1,200.

We literally at that point lived out of the truck I’d find things for the kids to do during the day like the park or burger king play area if it was rainy while I searched for places knowing I didn’t have it all but just hoping I get approved and some way things would work out. After it would get dark I’d drive around put a movie on until they would fall asleep then it would be easy for me to pull over somewhere and get an hour or two in before I would fill up and drive around again. The worse part about that is being somewhere and you see a big light flashing only for the police to ask what you’re doing and to know you couldn’t say much beside oh I’m from out of town I got tired so I pulled over. By this time I’d looked up and my balance was damn near $400 left nowhere to go my kids asking what I was doing all the time I had to figure it out I found a few people I’d knew and was able to stay a few nights shower get cleaned up and back out to keep looking.

I’d finally realized I was getting emails about free night stays from staying in the hotels so much I had points man that was a sign of relief. I had like 4 nights free I took that and got us a room only to look and see I only had $100 left at that point I made that call to someone I knew wouldn’t ask no questions and he didn’t I didn’t tell him what I need it for I didn’t say much but hey I need your help and with no questions asked I had the money within a few hours. I broke down and knew without a doubt he was one of the realist friends I’ve ever had in my life and my return for him will be great!!!!!.

But that money didn’t last long it was gone within a few days down to my last dollars and one more night to stay in the room I started crying and my kids said mom whats wrong I just looked away feeling so empty and broken I was lost trying to figure it all out so I got up talk to my boys letting them know we were gonna be good soon they all looked at me and smiled and began to ask for stuff lol. A few days later it hit me hard I was broke no more money not very much gas I didn’t know what was next. I was driving and they were like mom we hungry and I’m like ok pulled over only to have like $4.25 in my wallet cari was crying I was frustrated I got out and had my two oldest get out so we could talk I explained to them I didn’t have enough and we had to let the babies eat first and they said ok that’s fine. As I pulled up to McDonalds I’m thinking like dang this is crazy what am I going to do. I pull over let them watch a movie and they fall asleep it was a bit of relief I was able to think for a few hours.

Only for the next morning to roll around me and the oldest still had not eaten but they were all looking at me saying mom when are we going to eat only to look at them and say I don’t know. That was one of the most heartbreaking feelings I’d ever had in my life I’d failed as a mother and had no one to blame but myself it was at that point I had to figure something out I got on my phone searching trying to find club jobs or something quick and at that point I had no choice. Found a cousin here took the kids over for a few hours and hit the club it took me about an hour to actually go out there but after sitting there knowing my kids were hungry I said skip it.

Walked out and I was trying to hide sitting in the corner didn’t want to really be seen I’d met this guy was really nice just wanted to talk I’m like ok you cool he asked me was I new I said yeah and went from there we exchanged numbers and I began to chill until he called my name it was like ok you up next I got up took a swallow and hit the stage before I knew it was 3am time to close. I ran got my things and hit the door and was in a hurry to go get my kids just so I could get them something to eat I picked them up about 4am and hit waffle house another sign of relief I started to count the money I couldn’t believe I was out there for three hours and left with around $850.

The next morning I went and got a room so we would have a place to sleep that night I started calling around until finally I called my brother I’m not sure what I’d been thinking again letting my pride get in my way. We ended up crashing there for a while and gave me a little more time to get my bread back together and back on my search I’d ran into a few people by this time did a few hosting gigs and was starting to create a little buzz nothing major. One night I run to get the kids some waffles and I met this guy lol some of you would never believe he was tall about 6″5 dark skin I mean very dark and kinda husky he stopped me and was like hey are you ok whats your name. At first I wanted to say get away from me but I talked to him and needless to say we are now very good friends and he’s been a great blessing to me and my kids.

Well things didn’t start to look up for me until around the middle of june I found another house finally talk to the lady and moved in boy oh boy it was the best feeling in the world after everything we been through loosing everything up and down the highway sleeping in my truck to not having any food to moving into a 3,000 square foot home. Yes were starting over but its only the beginning and god has something so big for me I understand now that he needed to move everything out of my way so that I could receive what he’s about to give me. Things has still been rough and I’m still working on this bounce back but I’m now stronger than I’ve ever been realizing my past taught me so many lessons and I can’t do anything but look back with nothing but forgiveness in my heart while thanking everyone I held grudges with. There’s no room for me to carry it so I’ve released it all to make room to take in my blessings he’s been placing in front of me.

As I finish this story up I can say I know so many that say  they can’t do it but trust me I did and with five on my own and have no plans to ever look back I’m at peace and I feel free like my life has just began. Never give up anything is possible he gives his hardest  battles to his strongest soldiers and that I believe and I always say they didn’t believe in me in my hometown so I had to pick up and go elsewhere.

 

                                                                       D’Estin Perry

Like My Mom

Well its come to a point I must face reality and stop running from the fact in so many ways I’m LIKE MY MOM . Sounds crazy huh who wouldn’t want to be like their mother someone you looked up to and loved more than life itself a woman who gave you life and held your hand on your journey through child hood while sheltering you from the bad and protecting you from all evil . needless to say that’s not how my journey played out looking back on my life I can remember a few good memories but there so much bad memories its hard to find the good . I’m not sure where to start so much I always wanted to say so many questions I’ve always had just couldn’t understand where it all went wrong I guess they say raising your children starts in your home a place it seemed like my mom never was  But in so many ways I find myself being LIKE MY MOM every time I look up I’m doing something just LIKE MY MOM smh drives me crazy at times only because I tried so hard not to be LIKE MY MOM  Ill jump into this I grew up watching my mom in a very disturbing domestic relationship I can remember being waken up out my sleep hearing cries for help having to get up and run next door to the neighbor’s house to get help and waiting on the police to show up once again because cookie “the boyfriend ” was drunk again and beating on my mom that  went on for years it seemed like until out of the blue he just went away needless to say we felt safe for the time being .we began doing more things like going skating once a week she would dress us all in the same colors and hit roller dome south boy I loved them Barbie skates couldn’t tell me nothing it was the beginning of my skating days we got older and she started being at the shop even more yeah my mom was also a cosmetologist and had her own salon right there on Pontiac St. next to a fish joint that use to be so bomb lol but it the seem like the older we got the more she was gone we use to have some weird baby sitters and strange people always watching us but them secrets are stories  in them selves ill get to later if it wasn’t the shop she was at the club boy you couldn’t tell her nothing she was in all these fashion shows I can remember “fashion strut” lol and some guy name “jeff” boy couldn’t tell her nothing at all the smallest thing bouncing around with ten inch nails on and was liable to have green red blue or pink hair at any given time or day called her self “SAPPHIRE” lol I always thought that was funny id be like “girl yo fire done sat and blew out” hhehehehe but yeah as I said we got older and moved around a bit it wasn’t until this one boyfriend of hers I felt some type of strange vibe about my mom I wasn’t home the night it happened she took his side on an incident that would blow your mind if I was to tell it all I know is it changed my way of thinking at that point time went on and it was around 1995 I started dancing created a group and boy that was the start of my dancing days only thing that was missing was my mom at every show yelling and screaming like she would do for my brother when he touched the stage time went on and I still did my thang I was in the 6th grade making $400 a week braiding hair making dance outfits and anything else I could to get money just to go shop and have the latest I never did understand how my mom was at work 24/7 and stayed fly but let me ask her for something yea alright by the time I was 14 I was doing whatever I wanted had a boyfriend house full of friends whenever I wanted left the house whenever I wanted never had to worry about much hell my mom wasn’t home and we lived in one of the livest spots right next to burger dairy by Macmillan park shit really didn’t get to ugly until I she went in room one day and read my diaries and boy the plot thickened lol I would always write down everything I did lmbo boy I can remember woooooo the problem was instead of coming to me she took them work and let all her customers read them as well that began a war between us at that point a war that’s gone on still till this day now that’s just a slight intro to how deep things were but here goes nothing …………..

 

As a kid I grew up angry feeling out of place at first I felt different always wondering why I didn’t have the same face or the same skin complication as my sister or my brother  realizing as time went on it was just me I look just like my mother I always felt like the outcast like I never got enough attention question after question always ran through my mind where were you all those years its nothing like waisted time I can remember when I was five I got hit by a semi truck yeah sounds crazy huh just my luck but how did it happened how did you not get struck you were holding my hand as they started yelling here comes a truck but suddenly your were missed and I was drug 3 blocks down the street I can recall looking down as I seen your feet but you were standing there crying as mary was holding me why didn’t you hold me close and grab me not knowing if it was my time you didn’t know but I feel like you loved me a little bit but could let me go it was times I tried to tell you things and you would say no not now maybe later you always had hair to do or get ready for a show you didn’t even realized I was being molested by the baby sitter because you were in such a hurry and always had to go it took so many years to get over it and just let it go I knew you would never listen so I kept it bottled up inside along with the rest of the secrets I always had to hide until one day I had to get that shit off my chest battle after battle I had to fight with you as I got older trying to figure out what it was with you and why shit was so out-of-order it seemed like you wanted to be my friend and not my mother the whole time I’m looking for guidance love and closure so I could mend the past and move forward but I can remember like it was yesterday my life took a turn for the worse all hell broke loose it seemed like an evil curse you took my business to the streets and as my mother I can never understand why you didn’t just talk to me from that point on the monster was created the streets did me bad all from someone who was supposed to love and protect me I was then FORT WAYNES MOST HATED I was the talk around town I felt like everywhere I went they were pointing and laughing at me like I was a clown everything about me was destroyed and I didn’t even see it coming didn’t even give me the chance to decide if I really wanted to be with a woman you told the world before I even knew and the battle I had to fight after that man you have no clue the hate in my heart was at it’s all time high and still to this day I just want to know why why did you do it why didn’t you talk to me I was your daughter your last child your baby I never finished high school I couldn’t even tell you what prom was like hell everyday I almost had to fight I was being called a dike left and right crying myself to sleep every night it drove me insane mentally I felt like a monster inside there was nowhere I could go nowhere I could hide wishing the shit would go away until that day I got fed up this bullying shit had messed my head up  I just wanted things to end I sat there and I counted pill after pill taking them again and again I got to 50 and said ok this should be enough I felt the pains in my stomach hour after hour as it started to burn I tried to keep it a secret but I suddenly got scared and told  brittany what i did she started yelling for help cause she knew this shit was big manda came running and they put me in the car flying down town  I thought that was over for me thinking what have I done my vision had got so blurry and I began to get weak everything seemed numb from my face down to my feet I was in a coma for weeks that could a been the end  for me  but god told me hold on there was more for me to see even after the fact I made it through that crazy mess there was still a long life scar id always wear on my chest life went on even tho I never returned home after the age of 14 there’s still so many scars and open wombs of a battle I’ve had to fight all my life with unanswered questions and sad memories which leaves me to believe why I always said I don’t want to be LIKE MY MOM and before I go ill say this I do hair LIKE MY MOM I owned my salon LIKE MY MOM I was in a domestic relationship for years LIKE MY MOM I change my hair often LIKE MY MOM I wear glasses LIKE MY MOM I wear rings on every finger LIKE MY MOM my ears are pierced over ten times LIKE MY MOM I know how to sew LIKE MY MOM I like short light skin guys LIKE MY MOM I wear my eyebrows real thin LIKE MY MOM I’m short and slender LIKE MY MOM you get the point yet i grew up without my mom just LIKE MY MOM

To becontinued……………………….

  D’Estin Perry