Fear of repeat

I was raised without a father I mean I knew who he was and I seen him around but he was never there in my life to know what he was missing or why I always had a frown . I always wondered what having a father was like or how it would feel for him to teach me how to ride a bike.  I’d often seen my siblings leave on the weekends and I’d sometimes ask if I could go standing there praying their dad wouldn’t say no. He took me in like I was his own but I was often reminded by my sister that he wasn’t my dad and I should go back home . I grew up searching and scrambling for the love of a man it was just to hard to believe to hard to understand why my father never loved me what did I do wrong I always kept my mouth shut even about the things that happened when I was alone . Yea I know some things are better left unsaid but then again you’ll never imagine the thoughts that constantly run through my head . Born the same day wow you would think that it would be embraced but every year he never showed up and the tears always rolled down my face . After awhile I became num to the fact that I’ll never know what true love from a father was really like I’d often get angry and so mad I just want to fight . I’ve grown into the stage of letting things go giving the situation to god because this is one thing I’ll never know but the fear of repeat is what I’m afraid of my boys growing up without that tough love . I try hard to mend things the best way I can I know it’s somethings I just can’t do and one is teach them how to be a man . Fear of repeat is one thing I’m so afraid of my boys growing up with out a father to show them real love.

2 thoughts on “Fear of repeat”

  1. I just met my real father about 6 months ago….ik what u mean n how u feel. Not knowing your other side, and not understanding why…I too had to watch other siblings go, but its okay luv, God knows your heart and he’ll father them boys as he did you….keep climbing

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